So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize