Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
