I got chris browned last night
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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