im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
