so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
