Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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