I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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