instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
