toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
