if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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