We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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