I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
