God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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