Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
