Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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