yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
