can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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