You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
