this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
