I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Text me some of your sweat
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
