just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize