i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
