The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
