I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i came on her dog
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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