so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
