i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
