I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
