seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
