so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
