I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
