Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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