yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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