Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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