I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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