im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
