i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
