dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
