Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
