so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
