don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i need some magic done to my vagina
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
