Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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