why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
