You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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