Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
