I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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