just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
