The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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