I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
