Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
