hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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