So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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