When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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