At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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