I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
