o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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