The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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