Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize