man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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