Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
