don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
