she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
