saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
