I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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