you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
