So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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