I'm jealous of your bromance
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
